And here we are, a good number of months since my last post… I find that I never post, anymore, because I seem to keep my thoughts to myself of late. They’re all rehashes of the same thoughts as usual, I guess, so I don’t want to bore the gods of the Wired with everything they’ve heard before…I guess…and no one really cares about my life but me anyway, so whatever, right?
Writing has always been an outlet for me, really…and writing my thoughts and feelings was always something I did to help me vent…or clarify…or..think…and I suppose I’ve just not really had anything that had me overly conflicted. Everything’s been great. I really enjoy my job, with the freedom it’s given me…and my only concern there comes in the form of getting paid…(I hate having to submit an “invoice” and stuff…cause I always feel like I’m panhandling..and I hate doing that). And I have found some really great friends with whom I’ve done lots of everything with…
And it’s funny…but what essentially brings me here tonight is a boy…of course.
After like nearly 3 years, I’ve gone back to them with the intent of flipping the switch and letting myself do that “love and be loved” thing that I’ve learned. And, then I go and find someone, and I’m conflicted…confused…scared…frustrated…brimming with emotions that I’m not sure what to do with.
The boy, who shall remain nameless (and who I shouldn’t write about at all anyway because we all know how well that works out -_-; ) is incredibly cute…smart, funny, fun to be around. I’ve enjoyed every minute of our time together thus far, and I’ve envisioned a very bright future path down which the two of us could travel. The trouble, however, is that I don’t know if he wants to walk the path with me. I mention the metaphor of the porcupine – he’s all cute and adorable and wants to be hugged, but when I try I get stabbed in the hand. I actually made reference to some kind of shitstorm or hurricane situation; I view this guy at the eye of a great storm that slashes me to pieces with swirling diamond shards.
…and it’s all very poetic and whatever, but I’m just confused…and yet very certain. My rational mind says it’s perilous…and that getting torn up like this is foolish…but the thing that is pushing me forward through it all is this…feeling…unexplainable…that I recognize from my past…and could put a name to if I were so bold. This feeling says to push on; he is there, at the center, calling to me…and I see it being beautiful when I’m able to reach him. I just want him to let me. And I want to know that he wants me to try.
As I work through the past few weeks, I see a lot of things that indicate to me that he wants me to try…that he really likes me… but my paranoia sits on the sidelines, mocking me for following the feeling…following the song..pushing towards the center. “He’s just going to leave like the rest of them, don’t bother.” “He doesn’t really like you, no one ever will. Give it up.” “You’re wasting your time and hurting yourself for no good reason, giving him the power you, yourself, regard so highly…you are a fool.”
…I hear paranoia and I falter…but my Will is strong, and my belief in happiness stronger.
…I don’t know what more to say. I mean, it’s summed up in that I really like him…and I just hope for that future. *sighs*
I guess that’s all I can do, at this point. It always comes down to Time.
The Wheel weaves as the Wheel wills…
Right now he’s out of the country and won’t be back till Saturday. This week is our 3rd week…next week is the month. I’m scared because I know it could fall away as it tends to. I’m scared because I don’t want that…and I’m scared that, because I care, it will hurt…and I don’t want that either.
I’m confused because I don’t want to not care, because that’s not useful to anyone…
And all I can do is wait to see how it goes…
I hate this. How do people do this constantly? Why? …why…
Damian says I just need a robot companion with free will, free opinions, who loves me of his own accord, and is programmed to never leave. And I mean, I guess it’s true… I really like him, and nothing I’ve seen of him makes me feel that I don’t want to be with him. In fact, most of what I’ve seen is what draws me to him…even the shitstorm, frankly…maybe I’m just masochistic like that…I dunno. Or maybe everything is just trumped by the single fear that I have…that he’s just going to decide to leave.
Sure, that’s something that everyone in every relationship faces as a possibility…and maybe the only reason I’m so concerned is because of past experiences showing me that that’s what happens – they leave… they leave before we get a chance…they leave before I understand…they leave for whatever reason that they leave. And because of these experiences, it’s what I fear the most…
When I get right down to it, I think it’s my greatest fear…in every respect…in every aspect of my life… and that’s probably why I steel myself so strongly against the repercussions by drawing into myself. “Fine, leave me. I don’t care. I’m fine by myself.” This is the root of my self-supremacist, self-centered, egotistical, narcissistic demeanor…the “condescension” that I hear so much about. It’s the shining wall protecting me from a world of people who leave. . . .
An interesting consideration…
*sighs*
I just don’t know what to do. I like him. I’ve said this already, I get that…but I can’t think of anything else to say.
And I miss him – he’s only been gone like two days, but I really miss him. But then, it’s only been 3 weeks, right? And he’s only been gone 2 days… So it’s like..am I allowed to miss him yet? Am I allowed to tell him that I miss him? Does he even want to hear that? …I don’t know what he’s thinking…or feeling…and I can’t read him from so far away…
*sighs and groans* Goddamn it…I’m really set up for some pain here…caring…feeling… I’m just so confused…
I like him…
I miss him…
And I don’t want him to leave.